First of all I’d like to say congratulations to the 2003 graduates of Jefferson Technical University, central Illinois’ third-most selective commuter and community college. As the most successful member of the class of ’83 and owner of Jill’s Discount Nails and Tanning off Highway J, between the Piggly Wiggly and the Arby’s, it is my honor and privilege to be your commencement speaker on this fine day. As you ponder what will be your future – bank teller, systems analyst, cable technician, middle manager or perhaps even a sales representative – it is important that you dream. And even more important, that you listen to my sage-like wisdom.
Ladies, if you don’t have boyfriend, find one immediately. And for those in a relationship, do what you can to get the rock ASAP. It’s difficult to find a man if you have an education and impossible without your youth. Invest all your money in beauty products, tanning and diet pills. Trust me, it’s an investment with the best possible ROI.
Gentlemen, keep your eye on the future. Make as much money as you can as quickly as you can. Invest it all in a fast car. Hot girls like fast cars.
If your estranged son dies in a mysterious field 15 years later, don’t just read about it in the newspapers — send some flowers or a card with glitter and seagulls.
If you manage to suffer at a demeaning, coffee-fetching position for at least 5 months, be sure to take plenty of notes for a future tell-all book exposing those jackasses at Rent-a-Center.
Be careful where you stick it because it might just fall off.
Do not lick the handrails on the bus, no matter how tasty they may appear.
Always pack a good book and a better gun.
When you have a one-night stand at Darrell’s off the interstate, make sure it’s with a trucker or traveler you won’t run into after that night. You don’t want any awkward moments when you’re getting you eyes checked or eating at the new Italian restaurant. And use as much birth control as you can find – you don’t want to end up with the most dreaded STD – the baby virus.
Take out as many credit cards as you qualify for — after all, you’re an adult now and entitled to big-ticket purchases. Don’t worry about paying them back, Citibank understands that they’ll get their money eventually. They can’t bill you in hell, but they can bill your unfortunate progeny.
Travel and see the world. As founding father Benjamin Franklin once said, “You haven’t been to France until you sleep with eight underage girls at once.”
Never buy your drugs on credit, no matter how much the dealer says he trusts you. It’s a good way to guarantee you’ll get hurt.
To everyone else – friends of graduates, family members, court-appointed guardians – this is a celebration. Now let’s all meet in the parking lot to drink wine-flavored Mad Dog 20/20!
(Originally published from Comedy Central’s Cheetsheet, May 2003)