Hallmark Holiday 1/12
America pays tribute to the store that provides our nation with cards to say what we cannot. Send a useless, Hallmark-brand gift to someone you care about today!
Hot Chicks Day 2/18
From Pocahontas and Betsy Ross to Denise Richards and Chelsea Clinton, hot chicks have greatly influenced the American landscape since the first female settler of Jamestown took off her bonnet and shook her long locks in slow-motion. In fact, one can trace most major inventions — from electricity to the aero jet — to some nerdy guy trying to impress a hot chick.
Fat-Ass Diet Kick-Off Day 3/3
Americans unite and begin the annual spring- and summer-long starvation ritual, trying to compensate for their sedentary lifestyles and fatty diets. Though this SEASON lasts typically until September, most give up around May.
Polish Heritage Day 4/8
Celebrate your Polish heritage by recreating such famous inventions as a submarine with a screen door and solar-powered flashlight.
German Heritage Day 4/9
Celebrate your German Heritage by eating bratwurst, drinking dark beers, engaging in humiliating (yet efficient!) sex acts and annexing Polish Heritage Day.
Third Cousin on Your Mom’s Side Day 5/23
In the spirit of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, celebrate your distant relative whom you have never met and whose name keeps slipping you. NOTE: THIRD COUSINS ON YOUR FATHER’S SIDE ARE NOT TO BE CELEBRATED.
Illegal Immigrant Worker Day 6/20
Show your illegal immigrant workers that you appreciate the work they’ve done by picking the fields, cleaning your house and taking care of the children yourself! Better yet, double their wages today so they know what it feels like to make half of a livable income!
Spinster Day 7/26
Do a favor for the old lady down the street with 18 cats. She has no one, no one!
Table Saw/Chain Saw Accident Remembrance Day 9/16
Remember that shop teacher who only had three fingers and that kid who sawed off part of his hand trying to make a birdhouse? Good. Now let that be a lesson to you.
National Cell Phone Appreciation Day 10/3
Celebrate the phone that you can take anywhere: the beach, the movies, the car, the grocery store, the bus, Blockbuster, church — and use to keep in contact with those you love. Walk down the street and call a friend — who is standing next to you! Give an old fashioned holler to your neighbor across the yard — without having to shout! And don’t forget to drop by your friendly neighborhood mobile phone distributor; there’s one on every block!
Buy Nothing Day (Friday after Thanksgiving)
An actual hippie holiday, Buy Nothing Day originated in protest to the greed and consumerism that is the bedrock of our great nation. If you participate in this holiday, you’re a dirty pinko communist who should go back to Russia.
(Originally published from Comedy Central’s Cheetsheet, August 2003)