First it was Christina, who strained her vocal cords. Then it was Britney, who busted her knee. Who knows what will happen to Ms. Simpson after press time so that she, too, will drop out of the Summerfest lineup. I’d put my money on “exhaustion” or possibly “kicked in the shins by Hilary Duff.”
Anyway, before all of this madness, we created a fail-proof quiz to help you figure out which pop tart you should pay $60 to see. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really matter who best suits your inner junior diva, as all roads now lead to Jessica. But humor us anyway and take the damn quiz. Maybe it’ll be useful this fall or winter or sometime next spring…
When you go out, what is your drink?
a. Cosmopolitan–it’s pink, girly and loaded with cheap alcohol.
b .Mojito–I’m trendy, possibly South American and know how to shake it.
c. Light beer or oxygen–anything else gives me the stupids.
Have you ever been married?
a. It depends how you define “married.”
b. Hell no.
c. Yes. Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who love Jesus and desperately want to exploit their relationship in order to further their careers.
Where do you get your news?
b. Usually the free clinic, though sometimes my publicist.
c. The Weekly Reader.
Let’s say you’re on fire…
a. Damn you, Colin Farrell!
b. No worries, I have antibiotics for that…
c. Oh, now I remember why I’m not supposed to use the stove by myself…
Finish this sentence: A skirt is considered a mini when…
a. It’s shorter than mid-thigh and has slits up both legs.
b. It’s a belt.
c. It’s a car.
The funniest part of my VH1′s “Driven” would be that…
a. My childhood photos look suspiciously like those of Jon Benet Ramsey.
b. I was asked not to perform in my school’s talent show.
c. I was rejected by the Christian-rock community.
You see something shiny. What is your reaction?
a. See if I can buy it.
b. See if I can mount it.
c. Ooh! Shiny! Sparkle pretty! Look, a butterfly!
In high school, I was…
a. A popular cheerleader.
b. A slut.
c. Left behind.
You see Justin Timberlake at a club. What is your reaction?
a. A sexy dance-off.
b. A sexy duet.
c. “I wish my husband didn’t look so much like a monkey!”
My friends call me high-maintenance because…
a. I demand the finest in leather-and-lace minidresses and biker hats.
b. It takes me hours to get through airport security due to all of my piercings.
c. I get lost a lot and I lose my train of thought and I get distracted and people have to constantly do stuff for me like find my keys or help me cross the street.
Mostly A’s–Oops! You did it again. You’re a slave for Britney! Get ready for the Onyx Hotel… On Showtime reruns.
Mostly B’s–Come on over, you’re a Christina! No, wait, go back over there. Ms. Aguilera cancelled her tour because of strained vocal cords and will not be performing in Milwaukee this summer. So go spend that money on something you really need, like a hepatitis shot.
Mostly C’s–Hey brainiac, you’re a Jessica Simpson. Now don’t forget, your left hand makes an “L” when you hold it out in front of you.
(Originally published June 24, 2004)